I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
