bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My bed smells like the plague
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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