I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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