Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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