I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
