So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
