so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
