I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
