is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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