I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Randomize
