im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize
