I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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