Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My penis needs a shock collar
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
