I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
