no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
