Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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