hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
