I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
