I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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