The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
