Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i out mim tonsoeep
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
