hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
