Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
