Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
not ubering you a puppy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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