I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
