Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
