My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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