I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
