I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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