i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
