my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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