i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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