We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
