I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
