walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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