I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
