life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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