now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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