If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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