I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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