meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
