the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
