i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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