ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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