I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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