You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
