90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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