so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
