OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
