Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
